Sharon's Shoebox Meaningful Messages from the MD Community

From Sharon:

I was in Georgia for a few weeks and had a fabulous time! I found that I struggled with my vision more though. Two things happened that made it hard to cope. First, I found myself running into things more. I clipped things or cut to close while turning corners etc. So I have a few colorful reminders of my trip on my body.

Which brings me to my next difficulty. I found myself lamenting about how little I could see, like the color of the sky (except for the spots that haven't lost color vision yet), or the stingrays that were swimming ahead of us while walking the sand bars in the ocean during low tide. I must say that God was merciful to me and allowed the sweet little critters to swim around my ankles and between my legs later that morning! Yet, I couldn't see all of the little and big things that my family were enjoying! I found myself struggling with anger and jealousy. Also I was overwhelmed with fear at times that what I could see now would disappear, and would it be worth my family's time to take me to things like the ocean or the top of a light house that I couldn't see? Ugh! What a battle it was. I worked on concentrating on the things I could do and tried to not think of the things I could not. It is so difficult to have once seen and to have it disappear! The beauty of this world is so satisfying to the soul and I was struggling alone inside with its loss. I do believe that I won the battle of the mind for the most part but boy it wasn't easy!

I know many of you know what I mean, and for that I am both sad and grateful. Sad that you have the same battle, and grateful that I am not alone in its fight. I tell myself often that the alternative to thinking positively is very depressing, but this time I struggled more with what I could have and once did have, and I swung right back into the anger stage! It just isn't fair, and that isn't feeling sorry for myself. It's just true. So I raise my glass of lemonade to you all and toast to more gratefulness, especially for knowing all of you!

From Cathie:

It's good to vent, even good to be sad or angry. After that, we can move on with a sense of well being. I have not disappeared. Just listening in the background, as many do. I have to regroup. Not as much sad as feeling like a sore loser. I'm not fussy about being a sourpuss. I am still a bit ticked, even cynical, and right now I have to dig for my positive outlook. I know it's there somewhere. This group helps me get over myself. Pity is not something I've heard in this group, so I'm sure that both Sharon & I will be bright & cheery again soon.

How does one happily wave goodbye to residual vision? I don't really know, but often we talk about remaining active and finding different ways to do the things we've always done. It can be a challenge when the shutters are drawn. So I ask about the scenery or what is going on. Rob (my husband) is now offering descriptions. He used to tell people that certain holidays weren't enjoyable for me, because I couldn't see the scenery or activity. Recently, I told him that I look forward to going to Europe, that I might not see it all but a lot can be felt and smelled, and certain atmospheres ooze with images. Right now any holiday would be great!!

Sorry for the length. I think I should do some journal writing - clear my self induced haze. Thank goodness for the computer & speech!

From Sharon N:

I had a few days of e-mail to read. I think it was Sharon who said, "Most people make judgments either way. It depends on whether it is better to be thought of as visually impaired or weird."

This is an issue I have been wrestling with. I will defer to your lifetime of living with vision problems. I only have about 20 months experience. I have lived in this city about 14 months, and at first I was direct and told people right up front I had some problems seeing. Do they think I am weird? I am certain they think I am something

I can just hear what they think: "She read that same menu at lunch yesterday. This evening she is acting like she can't see a thing on it."

"I saw her with glasses on yesterday, and today she just puts on glasses to read." (I could tell them that I need magnifiers over my contacts to read but I did that just once.)

"Glasses over glasses? Never heard of such a thing. How come you could drive yesterday but not today?

"You could see the cards fine at Sue's, and these are the same cards."

"How come you can see a street sign but don't know who is in the room this evening?"

Now I hold the book and write on a page and order the special of the day. I ended up eating rabbit the other evening. I couldn't see the waiter's face and didn't hear what he was saying. I definitely believe there is a correlation between seeing the face and hearing the person. What I heard was pate. My husband did not say one word. He hoped I would never find out. I did when I offered some of my delicious pate to a lady who seemed to be looking longingly at my plate. She said, "No thank you," and stated that she wasn't as brave as I. I got suspicious. I also ate fish for the entree. In an Italian restaurant, I ate fish, which I don't really care for.

I bought new glasses, which I got two weeks ago. For a couple of days I read and read and read some more. I worked for hours on the computer and did some needle work. Now I can't see a thing with them. The low vision specialist has offered to replace them, but I declined. I will just hope these blank-blank eyes settle down. I say that, when my eyes feel better, I will be here waiting for them.

Sorry I did go on. Thanks for listening.